I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
