the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
