i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
