is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
