a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
this just has baby written all over it
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
