I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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