I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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