I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
