There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
