You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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