I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
