Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
