Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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