using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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