My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
