im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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