I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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