Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
