The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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