I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
