I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Randomize
