my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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