if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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