guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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