How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
