I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
