I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
