Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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