Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
