i think my tv is drunk
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
where are you?
Hypothermia
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
What drink are we having for lunch?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
