Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
My hand turned me down
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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