um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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