two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
