I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
