Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
