If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
