omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
