I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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