Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
