mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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