Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
she told me i tasted like america
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
