I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
