I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
