Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
