dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
