Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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