I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
