A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize