I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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