just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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