I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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