I can text with my tongue
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
