It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize