his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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