I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
