Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
