i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
of course. lets lasso hookers.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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