Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
