I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
