Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
