Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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