I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
