i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
