and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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